Writing. It's something that happens to people more than it's something people do...at least for me.
I'm trying to finish out SERA, my wip, and I'm trying to sketch out stories and themes for my next project. I've realized, though, that my heart isn't in it, because my heart is out there living real life.
It's not that I don't still live in my book, I do...I still love to hear my characters talk to each other as they sit in the amazing world I've created. Usually, though, my inner life is quite calm, and my characters' lives are the most interesting things in it. Lately my head has been somewhat chaotic and I'm seeing this chaos on the pages.
People say to write what you know, what you've lived. Writers are supposed to go out and take on life so they can be accurate in their make-believe worlds.
But what happens when the real world takes over and bleeds into the created one?
Should I ride out the storm, or try to push through?
Either way, the chaos itself may serve as a great platform for a new book very soon. Silver linings...?
Showing posts with label Stupid Stupid Stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid Stupid Stupid. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
That old familiar fear...
In my quest to finish SERA, my wip, I have decided to fully reread everything I've written for it to date. This includes my handwritten notes and chapters, each chapter on my laptop, and all the outlines I've drawn up to date.
When I started writing SERA, I decided to create each chapter as a separate word doc, so that when I want to navigate through the story I'm not dealing with 300 pages to sift through. This has been extremely helpful, not only in the drafting stage, because placement of each of the plot points is much easier to visualize for me; but also will hopefully be helpful in the revising stage, as I will be able to look at each chapter individually, moving them around within the full text as needed with no more effort than a change in the table of contents.
As I began my first real read-through of all the chapters in order (which is a totally different experience than reading them piecemeal - an effort for which I'm generally rewarded with hours of self-doubt and insecurity), I fell in love all over again. The places came back to me with such intensity, I felt as if I had been travelling away from home for far too long. The characters struck me with their different personalities; some I hadn't really though of in months were there on the page and in my mind's eye: beautiful, weak, hateful, disgusting, powerful.
I read and felt a sense of both wonder and pride that, although I am faced with mountains of revision and I am nowhere near ready for the much-needed edit, I created this world and these people. It amazed and saddened me that these characters don't yet exist for anyone but me. The pride lasted precisely three seconds (ok, maybe I'm ballparking it, but still it wasn't very long) before the fear took over. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach and my hands started sweating.
That old familiar fear, the paralyzing, creativity-sapping fear that no one will ever read my story, or love my characters or feel about this as much as I do took over. I went from euphoric creator to doubt-riddled writer in three seconds.
Do you ever feel that old, familiar fear?
When I started writing SERA, I decided to create each chapter as a separate word doc, so that when I want to navigate through the story I'm not dealing with 300 pages to sift through. This has been extremely helpful, not only in the drafting stage, because placement of each of the plot points is much easier to visualize for me; but also will hopefully be helpful in the revising stage, as I will be able to look at each chapter individually, moving them around within the full text as needed with no more effort than a change in the table of contents.
As I began my first real read-through of all the chapters in order (which is a totally different experience than reading them piecemeal - an effort for which I'm generally rewarded with hours of self-doubt and insecurity), I fell in love all over again. The places came back to me with such intensity, I felt as if I had been travelling away from home for far too long. The characters struck me with their different personalities; some I hadn't really though of in months were there on the page and in my mind's eye: beautiful, weak, hateful, disgusting, powerful.
I read and felt a sense of both wonder and pride that, although I am faced with mountains of revision and I am nowhere near ready for the much-needed edit, I created this world and these people. It amazed and saddened me that these characters don't yet exist for anyone but me. The pride lasted precisely three seconds (ok, maybe I'm ballparking it, but still it wasn't very long) before the fear took over. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach and my hands started sweating.
That old familiar fear, the paralyzing, creativity-sapping fear that no one will ever read my story, or love my characters or feel about this as much as I do took over. I went from euphoric creator to doubt-riddled writer in three seconds.
Do you ever feel that old, familiar fear?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sometimes a dream is better than reality...
...or maybe I'm just telling myself that since I found a TYPO in the picture book MS that I've already sent out to five-yes-5!!! agents.
It's probably the extreme in wishful thinking, but just for today I want to think that getting published isn't the be all and end all of my ambition, inspiration, and talent. I want to believe that outside recognition won't feel as wonderful as I imagine and that rejection won't hurt as much as I think it will. I want to believe the blog that I read on Query Tracker blog (QT is the best resource if you're querying) that the grass may not be greener on the other side, or if it is, at least there are benefits to NOT being published.
Ah well, I guess this is just part of the learning curve...it just SUCKS that I worked so hard on the MS and the query letter only to find I've wasted everyone's time by typing "smel".
I've gotta believe that one "l" will not be the reason that my books never see the light of day!!
It's probably the extreme in wishful thinking, but just for today I want to think that getting published isn't the be all and end all of my ambition, inspiration, and talent. I want to believe that outside recognition won't feel as wonderful as I imagine and that rejection won't hurt as much as I think it will. I want to believe the blog that I read on Query Tracker blog (QT is the best resource if you're querying) that the grass may not be greener on the other side, or if it is, at least there are benefits to NOT being published.
Ah well, I guess this is just part of the learning curve...it just SUCKS that I worked so hard on the MS and the query letter only to find I've wasted everyone's time by typing "smel".
I've gotta believe that one "l" will not be the reason that my books never see the light of day!!
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