Thursday, January 3, 2013

I have no idea what this post is about.

I have no idea what to write about. I have a headache, my anxiety level is running high, and I have way too many things in my head. A torrent of angry bees is trapped in my psyche while my head is being held in a steadily tightened vice, the pressure ever-increasing.

I set goals today, and I defended those goals. I planned finances. I have a good grasp of what the next year will require of me and what I require of it. Now all I want to do is hide, or have a good cry...but for absolutely no good reason.

I go to the gym now. I do CrossFit three times a week. When I can't make it to the gym for a few days in a row I tend to feel like crap. Maybe that's what this is; a mental break gone on too long. It's been so long since I escaped into my writing, so long since I wrote for hours while the world disappeared. It's been so long since writing was not an exercise but a raison d'ĂȘtre, an involuntary impulse, a life lived in words.

Those last 2000 words are killer. I tweeted that a few days ago. The truth is, I've written those last 2000 words over and over and over again but...but they aren't the right ones. The story too big for me to tell. I can't finish it because if I do, then I let down all the characters and the world I've created and built. I go back and edit earlier sections, because prettying up the middle is better than dealing with the apocalypse I've left at the end.

My touchstone word for 2013 is "fearless". I'm already starting to regret choosing such an uncompromising word. But that's the point, isn't it? To stretch to the point of breaking, to build to the point of destruction, to dream dreams bigger than oneself?

If I had to choose one goal right now, it would be to be infinitely different than who I am at this moment. It would be to remain the person I am when I feel invincible.